I feel too much. Is that a thing?
Breakdown that led me to seek professional help. Once again.
I feel too much. Is that a thing?
Breakdown that led me to seek professional help. Once again.
By Natalia Kiskova, AD Founder
Few days ago, I had an urge to get drunk. To drink until I don’t feel. Until I get numb. Until I reset. Until my heart won’t hurt. Funny thing is, I only needed about 3 drinks to get there. I am usually not a lightweight but my body needed to reset. To stop. So, I got drunk.
I walked home, where my M and Lily were waiting. I was trying to walk straight. To enjoy the numbness. To just be drunk. That didn’t work. I came home, lied in bed next to M and I cried for about an hour. I felt, again. But I didn’t want to!
In my last newsletter, I talked about anxiety. About not being to be able to take a breath. In that moment, in bed, after my break dow, I took a breath. A deep breath. After weeks. I admitted what I felt: I need help. NOW.
I have been told I get people to open up. I ask them how they really are, I listen. I want to hear them. So they speak. Which I have to say, I love. I love deep conversations, authentic feelings, even if positive or negative. I like to show emotions, see the emotions of others. That however seems to come with a caveat. When I listen, I take on the responsibility of other peoples problems. I make them mine. I feel them, I live them, I want to help. I want people to feel relieved, to feel better. Which sounds very Gandhi like of me. But what it actually is, is my own vulnerability. In a way also a clear sign that I cannot handle my emotions yet. That I cannot take them for what they are and let them live. They consume me. They eat me from inside.
After my drunken sobbing performance in bed, I looked at M and said: I need help. I need you to get me your psychotherapist. I need her, now. I cannot do this anymore. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I cannot stand up anymore. The weight is crushing me.
So, here I am. Crushed, but ready to stand up again. Ready to find a way to live with my emotions, but not be my emotions. Ready to get help. Because it seems, I really cannot do this on my own.
